Part 1 – Communication “The Life Line” For Healthy Relationships

You have been thrown overboard in a violent storm with the smell of sea salt all around you and the sound of crashing waves waiting to take you away. Those on the boat throw you a life line to grab. You refuse, because you are upset that you were thrown overboard. How often does this happen in our relationships? Our partner or friend is trying to communicate with us but because we have been hurt we refuse the life line.

Communication is more than talking. Communication combines timing, listening, understanding and speaking with empathy(not sympathy). Have you ever been in a discussion with a person who doesn't let you finish you thought or idea before they begin speaking? How rude! Timing is essential when communicating. I often ask my children please repeat what I just said. If they were listening, they will be able to repeat the saying. When we understand what someone is saying, we can begin to empathize.

I have participated in numerous meetings and conferences. I've observed and listened to what is going on around me. It is fascinating when entire groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends, therefore, they are unable to understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own. What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand.

Over the years, I have experienced times where people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. However, because the sheer lack of their ability to listen and think through another person's point of view, unique opportunities pass them by.

The only difference in communication at work and at home is that the relationship at home usually involves two. A marriage made in heaven can be destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.

Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel, so they choose not to communicate. Then they wonder why they feel neglected and undervalued.

How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don't know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just sharing a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny grain of sand on the beach shore.

So whenever you feel stressed and don't know what to do, don't just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don't keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don't put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. What if tomorrow never comes, you could end up living a life of regret.

It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. I remember an episode of the Cosby show where Vanessa returns from college and announces an engagement to Dabnis to her parents who meets Dabnis for the first time. Cliff the father explains to Dabnis that he is probably a fine person from a well respected family. He asks Dabnis what his favorite food is. Dabnis replies steak. Cliff then illustrates what if I take a nice juicy steak and present it to you on a inside of a garbage can lid. Which explained that they did not have a problem with Dabnis but how their daughter presented him to them. Our tone and non-verbal communication can ruin a good message. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive. To achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right.

Every individual is different what will work with one person won't necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves. One person I know never actually listens to anyone. He is one of those people who is always right no matter what. He does not have a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don't work and all you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into his, own acceptable idea.

Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don't have time to finish it, don't insist on a debate when one of you is off to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favorite TV program. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question €˜when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?'. Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don't react.

Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure. Put fire on fire and it breeds more fire.

One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won't change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.

How often do we try and work through a problem and it's only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer.

If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard.

No one ever said marriage would be easy it's just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you.

Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain. If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other's company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don't have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all's you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think.

You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.